How Liberation Goes

(c) Jane Mayer, 2020

I wrestle, I cling, I surrender, I grasp again

the snakes writhe from the center of my being

up and out of my holy heart

I breathe them back down and in

This is hard.

This is practice.

This is a skill.

I want this pain to go away.

I want this ache to stop.

I want to be free.

But when I get to the very edge

the edge where everything might really dissolve

I panic, afraid of losing You

(or at least I think that’s what it means—

that I will have to say goodbye completely

and let you die)

I hate this part

I am so tired of grieving

so tired of losing 

so tired of letting go

the grief IS the letting go

And then again, comes the part that doesn’t want to let go

that doesn’t want to ache

that thinks if she can find a way 

she won’t have to feel this heartache—

and then, a voice of Love: “This is what love is--

to love is to let your heart break.”

Oh, Holy Mother, Holy Father, teach me about Love.

I feel like a fawn, learning to walk 

not understanding, not knowing how 

or why all this works in this mysterious spiral ways

but this I know:

everytime I cling, I reinforce the pain

the compassion for this experience

the magnitiude of these teachings

is so far beyond my human comprehension

Ah! Right:

I don’t have to understand it all

I don’t have to see the map and the play by play

I don’t have to know here all of it is going or how it all works

I just have to practice

letting go

opening

grounding

seeing and embodying truth

Loving with an open heart with no guarantees

Singing with an open throat with no guarantees

Aching with an open soul with no end in sight

Sitting in stillness

without holding on

Like Christ on the Cross

wailing and weeping and praying for Home